Living the Silver Linings

As I type up this long overdue blog post, I am getting my 10^th round of Kadcyla.  This is a momentous occasion as my oncologist told me at the start of my Kadcyla treatment that while the regime is to take 14 rounds – one round every three weeks — the goal is to make it to at least the 10^th round.  With the 10^th round, I will have had one year of the immunotherapy drug, Herceptin, which is important for someone who has HER2 positive breast cancer because this drug helps turn off the overproduction of the HER2 protein that supercharges the cancer. 

So, here I am, round 10.  I switched up the song I play at the start of my infusion session.  I had been listening to “Gonna Fly Now” (the theme from Rocky), but recently I started to play “Titanium.”  It just seemed to fit how I am feeling.  As the song plays, I lean back, close my eyes, and imagine the drugs going into my heart, getting pumped out into my body and then “blowing up” any remaining cancer cells.  I especially like the chorus of the song:

I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down, but I will not fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down, but I will not fall

I am titanium

After this last year, I have to say that I can identify with these lyrics.  I do feel like cancer took its shot at me and I am still standing.  And, dammit, I am going to keep fighting and standing.  Seriously, FUCK YOU CANCER. I have too much life left to live.

Of course, one of the things that I have learned is that while will, determination and a positive mental outlook is very important in this battle back to health, you cannot “will” your body to do stuff.  I cannot stop allergic reactions.  I cannot stop the damage to my heart from the drugs being pumped directly into it.  I cannot “will” the production of more white blood cells.  Sometimes you must accept that your body has a mind of its own and roll with it.  That does not mean that I do not do whatever I can to keep myself healthy.  I have changed how I eat – less gluten, less sugar, less dairy, more veggies and fruit. I even really like Oat milk.  I also have been faithfully riding our Peloton.  Exercise has been so helpful in keeping me limber, focused, and in a better mental place. 

I am so thankful that my body has hung in there for the last 7 months after the pretty brutal combo of 5 months of THCP and a double mastectomy.  My heart remains strong – a little weaker than in the beginning, but that should improve when I stop the drugs.  My liver is a little battered, but my numbers are still in the acceptable range.  My white blood cells, platelets, and neutrophils are low – actually, the lowest they have been during this whole ordeal – but, again, still within the acceptable range.  So, all in all, I cannot complain.  I made it through 6 rounds of TCHP and 10 rounds of Kadcyla – 20 infusion rounds in total.  And now, when I leave the infusion center today, I will have only 4 more rounds to go!  Whew.  What a ride.

It has been a while since I wrote about how I am doing.  I just have not felt like I had a lot to share, and I have tried to keep myself focused on moving forward.  Somehow reflecting on the seemingly endless rounds of drugs and various other ailments just did not seem like something I wanted to spend my time doing. 

But here I am writing to all of you again probably because it feels like I can see the light at the end of the “cancer tunnel.”  I have had some ups and downs with my body.  It has undergone so much with the chemo/immunotherapy drugs, the surgery, and the periodic filling of my expanders so I can have the appearance of breasts.  After I finish my Kadcyla treatment, I will finally be able to swap out these expanders for breast implants (and get my port out).  Can I tell you how much I hate these expanders?  I hate them. 

The combination of the mastectomy, the expanders, and the drugs have also triggered another unexpected side effect – double frozen shoulders.  Seriously.  I did not even know what a frozen shoulder was before this.  And, let me tell you, I hope you never get it.  It sucks. For about two months, I could not sleep. It was too painful.  And moving my arms to do simple things just hurt.  Indeed, my shoulders and arms constantly hurt.  Of course, for my family, we try to find some humor. So, for a while I was compared to a T-Rex with those short little arms that do not have a lot of range.  Fortunately, I am now doing physical therapy and am moving from the frozen stage to the unfreezing stage. Yes, these are terms they use.

As I start to contemplate life post-infusion and post-reconstruction surgery, I have so much to look forward to – not the least of which is the return of my hair.  Yes, my hair has sort of grown in, but it is patchy and thin and less than an inch in length.  There are no two ways about it – I look like I have mange.  So, let us hope that once my body clears the chemo drugs, my hair starts to really come back this summer.  If not, I guess it is wigs for me.  I was kind of pissed off about this, but I have just come to realize that if I had a choice between my hair and my life – well, the choice is not that hard.  I would rather buy myself a wig than have Chris have to buy a coffin for me (to put it bluntly).  I have too many good things going on in my life to keep whining about my lack of hair.

While my body has undergone changes due to this road back to health, I would say that the biggest change has probably been how I look at life – and my life in particular.  I find that I do not get as upset about things.  It just is not worth it.  Things that might have been a big deal before, just are not.  Things that I would have stressed about before, I do not.  Life is too short to waste mental energy on stuff I cannot control or will not change even if I stress about it. 

Instead, I actively practice gratitude. I try to take the time to enjoy life, even the little things such as when Ben brings me an Oat Milk Latte from Chocolate Fish or the feel of the sun on my face sitting in our backyard or the touch of Chris holding my hand when we walk. I close my eyes for a moment and think about how beautiful that moment is and how much I appreciate the fact that I am here to enjoy it. This may sound trite, but it is true that every damn day is a gift.  You open your eyes in the morning, take your sip of coffee, look at your family, pet your dog and thank the good Lord for giving you another day to enjoy.

And, I have a lot to enjoy.  Ben is getting ready to graduate high school.  He can finally play soccer and next week we get to see him play on his high school varsity soccer team.  After watching 14 years of soccer, I was not sure I wanted to see more, but, boy, am I going to enjoy watching him play.  We have college visits to cram into April so Ben can decide on which college to attend.  We have a trip to Boston to see Sam (not scheduled yet, but as soon as possible, we are on our way to see her).  Can I just say that I can’t wait to give my little girl a huge hug! We have our trip to Hawaii in October to celebrate our 25^th wedding anniversary.  We have family and friends to see, meals to share, stories to laugh about, and new experiences just waiting for us. 

I also have a busy work life with my new business keeping me going from one interesting issue to the next.  With the new federal administration, we have a chance to do some really great things for conservation.  The same can be said for the state of California.  I am so grateful for the clients who have chosen to work with me and the colleagues and partners with whom I work.  Together, we can show how to plan renewable energy “smart from the start,” conserve 30 percent of California by 2030, meet our climate goals, recover endangered species, protect pollinators, restore previously damaged lands, improve access to nature for more communities who have been historically “park poor,” improve growth patterns to have less sprawl and development into wildlands while providing for affordable housing, improve funding for the California Department of Fish and Wildlife, and maybe even finally make some real progress at the Salton Sea.  In my spare time, I also picked up an adjunct professor gig at UOP McGeorge School Law, teaching an online introduction to environmental law course.  Yes, I have a lot of irons in the fire, and I LOVE IT.  I love the fact that I am here to do this work and I have people who want to work with me to do it and I have a family who supports me doing this work. 

As I wrap up this post, I do not think I need to point out the silver linings.  I am living the silver linings.  And that is just how it should be.